Revelation

I've been thinking about why I've been so anxious lately and self-medicating with food.  And I think I figured it out and I'm so excited.  I was trying to compare what was different a month ago from now- a month ago I had just as much work but my stress level was way down.  I was even a little surprised by how calm I was. And then it hit me.  A month ago, I wasn't eating sugar.  I have definitely been eating a lot of sugar lately.

So.  I am going to go back to not eating sugar.  More specifically, processed sugar and related items.  I will eat items that have honey, molasses or other non-refined sugars but I don't eat those that often anyway.  I will still have to watch my intake of those items and compare my anxiety level.

I'm excited to have had this realization.

Untethered.

So I haven't been holding myself accountable and I'm trying to figure out why so I can move up and on.  I have been really proud of myself and how well I've been eating and exercising the past week or so. 

It started yesterday.  I ate a normal breakfast- oatmeal, berries, almond butter, chia seeds.  I then worked a short shift at Tatum.  And I wasn't hungry and by that I mean stomach growling hungry.  But sometimes I get a feeling in my stomach that sort of feels like hunger but isn't stomach growling hunger.  It's like bees buzzing- as opposed to the feeling of butterflies.  I guess it's an anxiety.  I had a very small glass of milk to distract myself but the unsettled feeling lasted until lunch.  I didn't want to eat what I had brought- left over cabbage mix and salad- two meals I had happily eaten before.  My friend and I went out to lunch and I was good.  (I don't even really mean good, because I think having good and bad food is dangerous).  I got my favorite salad- lettuce, black bean and corn salsa, avocado, chicken and cilantro.  Plus a piece of wheat bread.  But I didn't give it a second thought as I ate it, or rather, inhaled it.  To the point where I was uncomfortably full- something I haven't done in a while.  That's okay.  It happens.  They aren't the worst things to get too full on.  Back at school I was feeling the effects of this, feeling sluggish in class.  When I left school a couple of hours later, I went to Trader Joe's to buy bananas- to be able to later have a snack I genuinely had been craving all day, partly to help my sore muscles.  But the bananas weren't ripe and wouldn't be for days.  This pushed me off track.  I bought junk items- things I had never bought before and then went home and ate a lot.  I won't write what and how much because I'm embarrassed.  I didn't do anything the rest of the day but laze and eat.  I had work to do but it was work I didn't have answers to- finding a short piece to direct; writing a script for my puppetry piece; finding a direction for my Measure for Measure design.  So I ate and watched 2 documentaries.

Today was going to be a new day.  The moment after you regret eating something is the moment to start anew.  (But I think regret should probably not be a part of my new outlook on food.)  I ate toast, almond butter, and strawberries.  Delightful.  But again, by late morning I had been sidetracked by food I didn't really want and eating when I wasn't actually hungry.  So here I am. 

I don't feel great- mentally, emotionally, physically- because of my choices.  And they are choices I didn't want to make but I found them happening.  So I want to know why.  Yes, this week has been a certain kind of stressful but what makes it different so that I felt distracted from this successful approach I was having? 

There was a certain helpless feeling about being so sore from all the exercise I was doing. 

It wasn't a cocky feeling I sometimes have once I have started to feel successful with eating and exercising.

I guess I was sad about something, though I'm not sure what.  I'm certainly sad right now, though I think this one is a resulting sadness, not a cause. 

I feel like these feelings and this sidetracked feeling occur a lot when I am in the design process of a show.  I am trying to find answers in food?  They certainly aren't there.  I am trying to find comfort for the fact that until that final design presentation, my ideas are not certain?

What keeps me tethered to the ground?  What keeps me balanced?



Oh, right, I also almost forgot it's almost that time of the month.  Perhaps that's where all my answers lie.  Yes, in the days leading up to my period, there is usually one day where I am ravenous (I have read happens to other women, too).  There is also usually one day when I am very sad and emotional and, though I know it's cause, I always seem to forget.  Funny because I figured this out yesterday but forgot it today.  Perhaps my feet- and head and heart- will come back down to the ground in just a matter of days. 

I have to learn to forgive myself.  To remember this is a journey.  I have to forget that this is about outward appearance and I'm trying to figure out my insides- my stomach, my muscles, my head and my heart.  Today is one day and tomorrow is another.  Right now is one moment and the next will be different.

Totally spaced on photos Monday.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup steel cut oats, mixed berries, 1T almond butter, 1t chia seeds

I've been reading about chia seeds a lot on health blogs and decided to try them out.  They have lots of fiber, protein and omegas.  They form a gel when mixed with water so when you digest them, they keep you full longer and also slow the carb to sugar conversion.  The jar of seeds I bought, reccommends up to 3T a day but I started out with just 1t in my oats this morning.  I think it worked as I ate it around 8:30 and wasn't too bothered by hunger for the whole morning.  I felt quite stable- by the time I ate lunch I was hungry but not desperately, which sometimes happens when I eat oatmeal and don't have a mid morning snack.  Tuesday I will add another teaspoon and see what happens.

Lunch: left over crepe, lettuce with 1t of flax seed oil, 1t lemon juice, salt and pepper

Snacks: 2 oranges, Healthy Pop popcorn

Dinner: 1 C left over risotto, handful of frozen grapes, small mint brownie, small glass 1% milk

I think I was so hungry because I was pretty active today!  I am starting another couch to 5k program and did 5 intervals of 2 1/2 running 2 1/2 walking this morning and then went on a 3 mile hike this afternoon, which had quite a lot of incline.

But it feels great!

Purple!

 

Saturday Night Dinner: Cabbage, Potato, leek and chicken jalepeno sausage.  Plus a little chili powder.  So yummy and filling. 

 

Sunday Breakfast: "Slim Crepe"- spinach crepe with mushroom sauce, egg, cucumber feta, tomato and spinach.  Oh yeah, and a cheese crust.  (It was actually a little too cheesy for my taste.  I NEVER thought I would say that sentence! I justified it a little because I haven't really had much lately.  And it's protein.)  I also had 1/2 a 16oz iced 2% latte with a small splash of hazelnut syrup.  The espresso at the farmers market is sooo strong.  I saved the rest for tomorrow!

I had great success in intuitive eating.  I ate about a 1/4 of the crepe around 9:30 and another 1/4 around 10:30.  And then I wasn't hungry until past 1:30 though I did have tiny samples of orange and cheese at Whole Foods.  Each time I ate the crepe it was delicious and now I have more crepe for later in the week.  That is one of the great things I can tell myself about food.  If it's really good, it helps me to stop eating it if I remind myself that I can have leftovers!  It's cheaper too!  This $8 meal will last for at least 2 meals!

Sunday Lunch: left over cabbage mix.

Sunday Snack: Fage yogurt with trail mix

 

I started getting hungry around 5:30 but then did an hour of yoga and that definitely distracted my hunger.  I was hardly hungry after that.

Sunday Dinner: My first Risotto!  I used 3/4 cup Trader Joe's Brown Rice Medley (brown rice, black barley, radish seeds), 1 cup frozen peas, 2 cups organic, fresh asparagus, 3 cups organic, fresh spinach, 2 1/2 cups vegetable stock, water, 1T olive oil, 1T Yogurt Butter, 1/4 cup Parmesan, heaping T of frozen basil-but not in that order.  The rice was a little inconsistently cooked but it was super yummy.  The basil was a good idea!  I ate 1 cup of that and there is definitely lots leftover.

Then I had a few spoonfuls, errr, scrapings of my Kiwi sorbet.  It's about 6 kiwis blended with a 1/8 cup sugar syrup.  If you add a little alcohol to it, it's doesn't freeze into an ice cube, but I skipped that step.  Still good though! (picture tomorrow)

I've been making sure to have balanced (carb/protien/good fat/veg) meals and relying heavier on the veg.  I think the cabbage and risotto did that, no?

I also had a junk food revelation/duh moment!  I do prefer and want to eat healthier, whole foods.  However, when they are sub-par or not existent, I turn to junk food.  For example, in my grad school dining hall the food is pretty awful (salty!) and often the meat they use freaks me out.  And selection is booooring.  Thus why not have a bowl of fries!  But then comes the carb coma, plus the lack of nutrition and all.  This is something I used to do a lot but thankfully have been doing less of recently.  (Also thanks to the fact that the dining hall now posts the calories for all prepared food- Ignorance is not bliss!)  I guess the thought was, When I don't have good tasting regular food around, why not turn to junk food?  It can taste good and fulfills a void- though, thankfully, more and more I realize it does taste awful.  I'll hold out for some home made oven fries or some really fancy fries with truffle oil (had that once- AMAZING!)  Homemade cooking really does make a difference. Well now I know that I will just always have my preferred foods, meals and snacks with me at school.  

Sometimes it takes conversations with yourself, about things you already know, to really get the point across.

Catch up

 

Friday Breakfast: steel cut oats, frozen strawberries, almond butter, yogurt, flax seed oil

Friday Lunch: same as Thursday, with a few spoonfuls of yogurt

Friday Snacks: two small oranges, mixed nuts

Friday Dinner: greek salad, pita, hummus

Friday Dessert: mint brownie

 

Saturday Breakfast: Sprouted Multigrain toast with almond butter and defrosted mixed berries

Saturday Lunch: leftover stir fry, 4 chicken meatballs, roasted garlic tomato sauce

Saturday Snacks: small orange, yogurt, trail mix

Need more green veggies!

Lunch:  3/4 cup each of left over stir fry and Trader Joe's Organic Black Bean Soup.  Plus a handful of frozen grapes.

Late Afternoon Snack: Fage with frozen strawberries, ate 1/2

Dinner: one Trader Joe's Chicken Jalepeno Sausage, organic spinach, Trader Joe's Roasted Garlic Tomato Sauce

Later:  probably finishing my yogurt, adding some more strawberries!

Too Quick Breakfast

My breakfast- leftover leek and chard tart.  The Slow Down Diet encourages starting your day with your most nutritious meal- a balance of proteins, fats and carbohydrates- and rely less on breakfasts made of almost entirely carbs, such as oatmeal (good if you add seeds or nut/nut butters), cereals or bagels.  The book encourages lunch to be like this as well, as long as, with both meals, you don't eat until you're so full you're tired.  It's dinner where you don't need as much "dense" calories as you've already expended most of your calories for the day.

Again I ate quickly.  Based on how full I feel now, probably if I ate more slowly I would be able to tell that I was full sooner and stop eating.  The Slow Down Diet calls that "gut wisdom" but more on that another day.

treats

My roommates came home with some treats and I had one Tunnock tea cake.  It was sort of a surprise as I wasn't expecting marshmallow in the middle.  It was exciting to try something new but not really worth it.  I'm going to work on when I want to eat sweets or not.

I also had about 10 grapes before I went to bed. 

So I ate the rest of my sandwich about an hour later.  When I eat until I feel my energy return, I seem to get hungry about an hour later.  I guess I have to find the right kind of meal that makes eating until my energy returns successful.

  

Around 4 I ate 1/2 of Fage Non Fat Yogurt with a 1/4 cup of my homemade trail mix- sunflower seeds, almonds, unsweetened dries cherries and raisins.  This was not my most successful snack.  Delicious but I wasn't paying much attention as I ate it.  I ended up being too full and had a little heartburn.  I could probably use less trail mix.

Dinner was pretty good.  I ate about 2 1/2 ounces of tuna with lemon pepper.  I also made my first stir fry!  The veggies are a mix of pea tendrils, purple cabbage and other dark greens.  I mixed them with some garlic, soy sauce and Trader Joe's brown rice medley- brown rice, black barley and daikon radish seeds.  Some of the veggies were a little too bitter for my taste.  I only ate about 1/2 of what's in the picture.  All very filling.

Now I'm having a cup of tea and maybe later a handful of frozen grapes.

Lunch 1:05pm

Salad: Organic lettuce and spinach with 1/2 cup of Trader Joe's Pico de Gallo.

Sandwich: Trader Joe's Sprouted Multi-Grain Bread, Brummel & Brown Spread, Smoked Salmon and Dill

I ate the entire salad (less salsa next time) and only 1/2 the sandwich.  I was very concious of enjoying the both of them and took 20 minutes to eat, enjoying the sunshine and great conversation with Mary.  I'm very full and satisfied.

The Tangelo (?) I ate around 12.

Breakfast 9:28am

Two egg whites with about a cup of Cabbage and Cheddar Gratin.  I took ten breaths before I started eating to try and focus myself on the fact that I was about to nourish my body.  I ate about 2/3 of it in about 6 minutes--too fast!!--but then stepped away from the meal for about 20 minutes.  I finished the rest in a few minutes.  I ate until I felt my energy return but finished my meal later on when I felt a little more hungry.  Now, about 2 hours later, I am only just starting to feel hungry again.

A New Beginning

I'm on a journey to figure out my relationship with food.  Ultimately I want treat my body as best I can but also make eating an enjoyable, not stressful experience.  I have learned a great deal about nutrition from reading other blogs so I thought I would venture my own.  The thing I was missing that I hope to add to the internet world is reading about other people struggling to figure this all out- so many bloggers seem to already have the balance of food and exercise figured out.  I have a lot of bad habits to overcome- I know what's healthy and right but don't always do that.  I'm not looking to be perfect but I'm trying to create a better habit.

One of my greatest allies has been The Slow Down Diet by Marc David.  I'm still in the midst of it but it really reflects how I want to approach food.   It also makes me less stressed about food as well.  Previously on Weight Watchers, counting out points made me crazy.  I didn't want to look at a meal and count the points in my head.  I don't want to be scared of food.  I believe I can make choices intuitively and take care of myself properly.  I think it's better to learn good habits and learn to trust yourself than drive yourself crazy by counting.

This all started with issues with my weight.  Obviously that why I first joined Weight Watchers.  But eventually I didn't like the relationship I was creating with food.  By following the guidelines of The Slow Down Diet, I hope to lose weight but am trying to not make that the focus.  I know it I make smart food and meal choices and exercise, good things will happen.

One thing that was good about Weight Watchers was holding yourself accountable for what you eat.  That is one of the goals of this blog.  I will post photos of everything I eat.  I will also post any recipes, or links to recipes, that I make.  I will also use it as a sort of journal and reflect on how I'm feeling about food that day or how well I use Marc David's guidelines.  And through all this, I hope to find honesty with myself and balance in my life.

Here we go!